


The Eulogy Ballroom

by glimmeronfire



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Halloween, M/M, Suicide mention, brendon is a frickin troublemaker but what did you expect, brendon was a ghost pre-fic okay nobody dies in this i promise, but nobody dies /in/ the fic, ghost brendon, halloween fic, im not sure what else to tag this as sorry, just to be clear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-03
Updated: 2014-11-03
Packaged: 2018-02-24 00:43:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2561780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glimmeronfire/pseuds/glimmeronfire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spencer lives alone, or so he thinks until he discovers that he really doesn't.<br/>Written in letter form, or, well.... eulogy if you will, since Brendon is actually dead.<br/><em>Like when I thought about how hilarious it would be for me to push my bed down the staircase, or when I thought I should dump cold water all over myself. “Very funny Brendon, thank you.” I would say, and then hear a giggle. Your laugh would make me smile every time.</em> aka, my late Halloween fic</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Eulogy Ballroom

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this with a 19th century setting in mind (hence why I called it the Eulogy /Ballroom/), but if you don't read it that way it's totally fine because I never specified a time or place. It was just what I had in my mind while writing.
> 
> Title taken from a song by Consider Me Dead, and the story idea was inspired by the poem "Ghost" by Emilie Autumn (my favorite poem of all time)

Did you know sometimes it frightens me when you say my name and I can’t see you? You constantly startle me. I’ll be sitting near the fireplace, wrapped up in a blanket, reading, when you whisper my name. I’m supposed to be living alone, of course I don’t expect my name being called in my own home. What makes it more startling is that it seems to be whispered from nowhere. That’s what makes me jump the most.

Will you ever learn to materialize before you speak? It would at least give me a warning. You did that once. The first time you spoke to me, the first time I realized I was not alone. You appeared in front of me, and at first I thought I was dreaming. I had to have been, nobody else could have possibly been inside my house.

My second thought was how handsome you were. Your brown hair looked tousled, your eyes seemed to have a glimmer of darkness, and I was instantly mesmerized. Before I could ask who you were and how you got in, you spoke. Your voice took my breath away, and I shivered at the way you said my name.

“Hello Spencer.”

“Who are you?” I had asked. “How do you know my name?”

You smiled at me, and I was once again captivated.

“My name is Brendon, and I’ve been here for several years,” You said with a calmness that hushed my beating heart. “I don’t mean to sound odd, but I’ve been observing you. You are in my house after all.”

“What do you mean I’m in _your_ house?” I asked bewildered. “I’ve never seen you before, and I’ve certainly never even heard of you."

“Ah yes, but let me explain it all to you.” You said, and you sat me down, as far away from yourself as possible, and began to talk.

At first I didn’t believe you. Then you told me what the pain felt like. You told me that the doctors could not figure out what was wrong. You got weaker over time and the aching in your chest got worse. It was hard for you to wake up every day. The worst part, you told me, was the thoughts and memories that went through your head every waking minute.

One evening, you went to sleep and never woke back up. At this point, against my own wishes, tears fell down my cheeks.

“This isn’t official of course, but I do believe I died of a broken heart.” You said solemnly. Then you quickly stood up and with a newfound perkiness, said “But, I have had several years to forget about it all, there’s no need for you to shed tears for me.”

I asked if I could touch you, just to see what it felt like, and you said it was probably better if I didn’t.

Before you decided to show yourself to me, did you laugh when I complained that I was all alone? Because you knew something that I didn’t? More importantly, why did you take so long to come to me? I wish I would have known you earlier, though I suppose you have always been with me.

Before I realized that you also occupied my home, I often had thoughts that were not mine. I went through a period of time where I did not feel my best. How many times had I thought about suicide? I thought about it a lot. There were times where I almost went through with it, but in the end I always talked myself out of it. I had always thought that _I_ was the one who did that, but when you came along I realized that it was never my doing, it was yours.

Was it enough for you to steal into my mind, filling up my head with encouraging thoughts? You must have known that I would take the credit, for at the time I did not know you.

Now though. Now I know you, and now I know that not only were your thoughts my saving grace, but they were also what drove me insane on a daily basis. I’ll be going about my regular business when suddenly I’ll have the thought to do the craziest thing imaginable. Like when I thought about how hilarious it would be for me to push my bed down the staircase, or when I thought I should dump cold water all over myself.

“Very funny Brendon, thank you.” I would say, and then hear a giggle. Your laugh would make me smile every time.

There were other times however, where I would wake up in the middle of the night and have the idea to make tea. Light a candle, set it in the middle of the table and sit. I would get out of bed, then groggily make my way downstairs. While waiting for the tea to boil, I would call to you.

“Brendon.” I said, no higher than a murmur, and you suddenly appeared to me, looking bright as ever. “Come have tea with me.” I said, and you smiled wide.

“I thought you would never ask, Spencer Smith.”

I turned back around and smiled.

I set tea down in front of you even though I knew you wouldn’t be able to have any. I just felt that it would feel more like a tea party if everyone in attendance had a cup of tea.

The steam rose up in front of your face as you told me more about what it was like being a ghost. You told me you never sleep.

“Do you ever get tired?” I asked before taking a sip of my tea.

“Not at all,” You said. “As much as I loved sleeping when I was alive, I can’t do it now. It’s a shame really, but I might as well get used to it since I’ll be like this forever.”

I frowned. “Wait, why are you still here?” I asked. “Aren't you supposed to go, I don’t know, _somewhere_ after you die?”

“Who knows. I guess there just wasn't an option for me.” You said.

“What happened after you died?”

You didn't say anything for a few moments, just stared down at your tea. I was about to apologize for asking when you answered.

“It was a few days before anyone found me. It was my neighbor who finally came in to see where I went. She didn't think much of the sight because I was just laying there on the bed, but it was when I never answered her that she started to freak out,” You said. “Of course, I was standing right behind her yelling that I was _right here. I’m right here, please listen to me._ ”

Oh.

We stayed silent for what felt like a really long time. I just had to ask another question.

“Can I touch you now? Just to see what happens?” I felt the desperate need to at least try to touch you.

You hesitated. “Well…” _Please,_ I thought. “Okay, sure.”

You held your arm out and I leaned across the table and raised my hand, pausing just above your arm, before slowly moving it down. I don’t know why, but I hoped that my hand would somehow come to rest on yours. Instead, it just went through, to my disappointment. Your breath hitched when my hand passed through.

You felt cold. I felt the overwhelming desire to kiss you. I was not sure whether that thought was yours or mine.

I pulled away and stood up. “Come on,” I said. You followed me upstairs and into my bedroom. “Lay down with me.” Once again, you hesitated. “Please? Please, just…”

“Okay.” You said and we laid down on the bed. We looked at each other for a while. You slowly ran your hand down my arm, and I shivered but couldn't help the smile from appearing on my face.

“You have a beautiful smile Spencer, you should use it more often.”

I can honestly say that spending the early morning looking into your eyes gave me the best feeling that I ever could have imagined. I sighed before closing my eyes, falling asleep knowing that you would still be there when I woke up.

Will you always attend my midnight tea parties, as long as I set your place? As long as it always ends like this.

-

It was after that night when I realized I loved you. I knew you felt something too when you started to sing. As much as I’ve tried, there are no words to describe how I felt whenever you sang.

I knew it was odd to be in love with a ghost, but I couldn’t help it. I had already been put in an unusual situation when I saw you for the first time, so it didn’t really matter to me.

One night when we were laying down on my bed, I asked “Brendon, would you miss me in a thousand years?”

“Of course I would.” You replied.

“Do you think I’ll become a ghost like you when I die?” I had never really considered it before now. I wished that I would if it meant being with you forever.

You sat up immediately. “Why? Spencer, are you okay?”

“Of course I am,” I said. “I was just wondering.” I didn’t mean for it to be anything other than a simple question, but it sounded different to you.

“Are you sure? You haven’t thought about dying in a while, and yet here you are again.”

“I didn’t mean for it to sound like that… I just wanted to know what you thought,” I said. “I promise I’ll never think of hurting myself again as long as you promise that you’ll never leave me.” If one day your sugar sits untouched, you will have gone forever, and I don’t know what I will do. Have a midnight tea party by myself, I suppose.

“You thought I would leave you? I would never,” You said. “I promise I will never leave you Spencer, I love you too much.”

I knew it.

“I love you too Brendon.” There. I said it out loud.

-

You’ve since then disappeared. You said you’d never leave. This isn’t official of course, but I do believe you’ve moved on to wherever ghosts go after they’ve been a ghost for long enough. I believe with all of my heart that you moved on because you told me you loved me. That’s good for you, but where is my happy ending? I loved you too, don’t I get one? Tell me what I am to do.

I’ve since fallen back into the daily routine of not feeling my best, except it hurts even more this time because now my heart is broken, as yours was when you died. I wonder if that will happen to me too. I often think that I should just finally kill myself and get my pain over with, but you’ve taught me better than that. Instead, I’ll just do absolutely nothing until I finally die, if that makes you feel any better. I never knew that looking at a bowl of sugar would hurt so much.

Tell me what I am to do. Until then, I’ll save your side of the bed. Just come and sing me to sleep.


End file.
